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The thing is, most women don't realize that our borderline mania isn't very complicated: we simply like boobs — a lot. And we like them in pretty much all shapes and sizes.

Women constantly ask me whether big boobs are better , why fake breasts are appealing to so many men, and what the big deal is, as if there's a giant mystery surrounding why men are obsessed with boobs.

To me, and to probably almost every other hetero man on the planet, breasts and lips, and legs, and eyes, and hair, and all forms of women's beauty are simply naturally appealing.

We're born to like them. We see them, we appreciate them, they arouse us, and maybe we ogle a little if we're not well-mannered.

One study found that "Female figures with large breasts and narrow hips were rated as most youthful, attractive, and desirable for casual and long-term romantic relationships," while another concluded that bigger breasts may mean a higher fertility level.

All this to say that somewhere in our genetic makeup, men are biologically driven to look at boobs as a way to determine the fertility of a possible partner.

That said, to most men, there's something even more magical about breasts than our biological imperative to love them. I once heard a woman say that if you wanted to distract a man, simply don't wear a bra , regardless of whether your boobs are large or small.

And it's true! There's an enormous thrill in spotting the outline of someone's areola or the push against the clothing that reveals a breast's shape.

It's partly because in America — and many other places — showing breasts publicly is taboo. We can see them there beneath your clothes.

We don't know exactly what they look like but we can gather enough data to have a pretty good sense of what's there. As for what men prefer in terms of chest size, women need to understand that there's an enormously wide range of breasts that men like.

Whatever you happen to have is probably pretty great to the eyes of most of us. So no, they don't have to be big to be appealing, though a lot of guys feel that the bigger they are, the better — including fake ones.

I personally think size is overrated; I judge breasts not on size but on firmness: the more stuffed, the more I like them, and if they can stay stuffed and be larger, that's just amazing and rare.

I've touched some and they don't feel normal. In fact, they feel pretty much like what they are: often overlarge bags of goo just below the skin.

Ever sleep with a plastic cover over your pillow? But we want to do it anyway. It's like a deep desire that exists in all men.

Shout about them from the rooftops. The world needs to know about your boobs. Stare at them Long enough that, even if we're in a long-term relationship, it would probably make you uncomfortable.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and just watched your boyfriend sleep and thought about how lucky you are?

We want to do that, but to your boobs. Take them in both hands gently and jiggle them. Use them as pillows.

Sure, we can rest our weary head on them for a bit when we're cuddling, but you'll eventually tell us your boob is falling asleep or something.

And then use them to block out the sun during naps. Just lay on our face while we sleep soundly. Press our ear to them and listen to the ocean.

You heard me. Treat them like a sexy basketball hoop. We like boobs, and we like seeing if we can throw things into other things, and this is the point where the two intersect.

Grope with wild abandon. We just want to get all up in those boobs without worrying what feels good to do and just explore them like they're majestic mountains.

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